Oh Mothers, let us unite once again.
Let us tentatively prod the bear that is -gulp- baby weight.
I have weight to lose for quite some time now. Before baby one, I was at my ideal weight and felt a sense of freedom and happiness that I can only say I never imagined possible. The ability to buy clothes and LIKE how they looked was a liberty and luxury that I never tired of.
Weight Watchers are my heroes. They did this with me.
Two babies later however, I am in a sad state of affairs. I am not naturally a ‘good’ eater despite eating vegetables and fruit and I need the support of a class. I have been back to class and am a stone down, however the last few weeks have been rough. You will know if you read Looking forward to anaesthesia that I had some medical work done and this is my reason or sorry excuse for my careful eating abandonment.
This and chocolate treats nightly with new series of the wonderful Peaky Blinders.
Therefore I, with tongue in a chubbier than normal cheek, am giving you an alternative twist on the magazine and Internet pop up classics of Five Ways to Trim Your Waistline! or Surefire Ways to Lose Those Inches and give you my incredibly insightful and certainly practised Five Ways to LOVE Those Love Handles!
Be prepared for some KILLER ideas…
1. Make your five a day count! ALL things ‘fruit’ should be included to really ensure maximum weight gain. Instead of a homemade fruit pot, you swop for Fruit Loops! No more freshly prepared fruit salads for you. For a change, you need to chew on those delicious eighties’ penny sweets called Fruit Salads! Add ‘ade’ to the end of any fruit (cherry, lemon, orange) and you are onto a calories amassing winner!
2. Tin it or BIN it! Eat everything that comes in a can. Simplest! Nothing fresh please. Nothing organic or locally grown (unless the goodness is ‘preserved’ in can form). Tinned beans. Tinned peas. Tinned carrots. Keep it preserved and salty. Added sugar if possible.
3. Stop over indulging on water! Immediately desist from downing two litres per day. Exhaustion and pain will soon set in driving you towards the short lived energy boost of a Coke or a Fanta. One leads to another and before you know it you are on a litre per day of soda. This will have the added benefit of giving you false hunger due to chronic dehydration which which will see you in the biscuit tin. A guaranteed method to pack on the pounds.
4. Packet or Smack it. Eat as much as you can that is pre packed (as an accompaniment to the tinned fodder) and you should see a sharp increase on the scales. Your salt and sugar intake will also soar as added bonus. I am talking crisps, meats and anything rice or pasta based but don’t forget your sweeties or biscuits.
5. Secret eat like no one is watching you…! Secret eating is the best short lived feel-good booster. It will make you feel indulgent and disgusting within the same ten minutes. Mood swings,yea! Clearly calories eaten whilst hiding in your car don’t count thereby they are a secret. Keep this up and you are on the highway to stretchy pants land.
I told you I could guarantee instant weight gain in five simple steps.
Reminder: This is a parody and intended to make us weight strugglers smile as we fight the battle that we will ultimately win. It takes time and determination but we will all get there.